Sparky,
Do not underestimate me. I wish you were here, but don't think I can't do this without you. I will not be idle waiting for you. You know as well as I do that there is as little reason to be passsive as there is to be aggressive. I am tired of waiting for you. Next week I am starting this by myself.

  posted by Colleen @ 11:58 PM

 
this story needs to end
it goes nowhere but up
and fills the air so i cannot breathe

smooth dirt covers everything
it coats the throat
grits the eyes

mary
where are you when i need you
where have you been my whole life
and why was i born so late
why was i born too late

i never questioned their motives
i never suspected their sins
i never doubted the grace of their souls
but still they desquamate my skin

someday i will teach them how to be holy
i will teach them to be perfect
i will show them nightmares
and i will make them feel forsaken

  posted by Colleen @ 11:40 PM

 
Matty
Matty taught me to drink and spit
He taught me to roll a joint
He taught me how to play guitar
He taught me how to fight
He defined profane words
He made me appreciate gore
He taught me to play poker
He gave me drugs and porn
He told me to mistrust everyone
They want to fuck with my mind
Take my stuff, screw me over
No one cares about me except myself and God
Matty gave me rock music
Matty gave me beer
Matty made me want more
Matty never gave me enough

  posted by Colleen @ 1:43 PM

 
From there I got away me spirits never fail
YOU ARE HAPPY
HAPPY
Tired

  posted by Colleen @ 9:50 PM

 
Goals for the weekend:
Memorize all differentiation stuff
Do math homework
Write final draft of English essay
Start film essay
Look up stuff for astronomy project
Find an author for the English midterm

Goals for life in general
Be more positive/friendly
Clear up skin
Be more responsible about drinking
Lose 5 pounds
Be healthier (food, exercise, smoke in lungs)
Keep in better contact with Kimee/Margo/Amanda/Amanda/Ben
Talk to my grandparents more often
Be nicer to my parents
Don't do things that make me feel bad

  posted by Colleen @ 9:47 PM

 
Sparky,
I love you. Why won't you marry me?

  posted by Colleen @ 2:42 PM

 
I don't want to be alone anymore and I don't want to dance.
I have gone for so long being by myself
I have gotten so used to it
that I don't think I could really deal with having that closeness of a relationship. I don't want to have anyone know me that well. It would make me uncomfortable. I used to cry because no one understood me. Now, I would cry if someone ever completely understood me. That is mine. No one else can have that. Or claim to have it.

Dear Sparky,
I will pretend like yesterday never happened. I am still seriously considering becoming a nun. I went to the Alpha Gamma Sigma meeting today. I wish I had a car. They invited me to go on this three-day trip with them. It is the weekend before Coachella. The phone company called. They want $179. My parents have still not put this month's money in my account. I tried to call, but the phone was busy. I am listening to too much depressing music. And I am having the strange depression of menstration. I wanted to kill someone, I wanted to kill myself. No. I just want to cry. And sleep. And listen to Elliot Smith. And pay my phone bill. And not be such a loser.
.

  posted by Colleen @ 2:40 PM

 
Dear Sparky,
I had fun with Bobbi today. She is pretty funny. Danica gets jealous, I think, when we are having fun. Oh well. I really don't know about her. I wish she would just leave us alone once in a while. I had a burrito from the cafeteria for dinner. It was good except for the salsa. In the cafeteria Bobbi and I were squirting people with a water bottle. It was really funny. That is pretty much my day. I have some English homework that I still need to do, but I will read it tonight when I go to bed. Well, goodbye.

  posted by Colleen @ 9:01 PM

 
Okay...more like two years.

  posted by Colleen @ 6:15 PM

 
I guess I will start writing in here again like I did before I knew anyone read it. I took the link off of A Common Misconception so people could only get here if they had that really old link and I don't know why they would because I haven't updated in like a year or something.

So. I have nothing to complain about. I don't know why I would. I have about six journal things to complain in already. Eh. But I am tired. And I can't let myself slack off or procrastinate in any of my classes. I have to get a good grade...okay an A...in calculus. To prove it to myself that I don't suck at math as much as everyone thinks I do. I think that will be my hardest class, followed closely by English, simply because the teacher is so confusing and vague. Then film, because of the volume of work required, although I don't think it will actually be too bad, aside from the reading. Then astronomy because of that dumb research project which I should probably start looking at now. And finally, psychology, my easiest class...I hope. At least I am estimating it that way.

Weird. I'm writing in here and listening to Nirvana. Just like 11th grade.

  posted by Colleen @ 6:14 PM

 
Blather

  posted by Colleen @ 6:32 PM

 
Courtney Love makes me angry. She only wants more money. Greedy...
Also, "indie" music isn't as cool as people make it out to be. "Beatnicks" insult mainstream music, but indie is just underground mainstream, making it an even worse trend because it is covered in the false assumption that it is "untrendy" and therefore cool and trendy. A paradox. So whatever. I'm done now.

  posted by Colleen @ 6:32 PM

 
thanks

  posted by Colleen @ 2:40 PM

 
Self-loathing and hopelessness sucks. Good thing I'm so fortunate as to be filled with happiness and love and vast motivation all the time.

  posted by Colleen @ 2:15 PM

 
How I am related to Kurt Cobain:
From an interview with Guitar World:

GW: Did you like the Beatles?

COBAIN: Oh, yeah. My mother always tried to keep a little bit of British culture in our family. We'd drink tea all the time! I never really knew about my ancestors until this year, when I learned that the name Cobain was Irish. My parents had never bothered to find that stuff out. I found out by looking through phone books throughout America for names that were similar to mine. I couldn't find any Cobains at all, so I started calling Coburns. I found this one lady in San Francisco who had been researching our family history for years.

GW: So it was Coburn?

COBAIN: Actually it was, but the Coburns screwed it up when they came over. They came from County Cork, which is a really weird coincidence, because when we toured Ireland, we played in Cork and the entire day I walked around in a daze. I'd never felt more spiritual in my life. It was the weirdest feeling and - I have a friend who was with me who could testify to this - I was almost in tears the whole day. Since that tour, which was about two years ago, I've had a sense that I was from Ireland.

So after all that I have learned that his ancestors were from County Cork. So were mine. O'Sullivan and Kieran. Now I just have to connect them somehow. That is what I have spent my day doing so far. Fun. Bye.


  posted by Colleen @ 2:01 PM